We can thank Oprah Winfrey for bringing the first two reasons to our attention on a TV show. As with so many truths brought to light in modern times, this one raises more questions than it answers. Based on the small sample on the Oprah show, these divorced lesbians were about thirty years of age before they were fully aware of their sexual preference. We learn from other testimony, some homosexuals know they are homosexual before they know much of anything about sex. Why does one know at such an early age and another only after she becomes a wife and mother?
I believe, more often than not the desire to please overrides the need for personal expression. For those whose need for personal expression is greater, they quickly learn the expression comes at a price they decide to pay. These are the children other children assume to be homosexual (samesexual?), whether or not the prevailing culture has a label. That is, as children, we all knew children who were probably homosexual and not "normal". We may have befriended them, ignored them, ridiculed or persecuted them, depending upon our own personal issues. But we knew they were different in all cases and did not try to hide the differences. Perhaps luck had smiled upon them. If they did not know who they were as many of us never do, they knew what they were - abnormal. If every night in their beds they wished or prayed to be normal, when the awoke in the morning, they accepted they were not. Perhaps a greater pain was to be experienced by those who never really knew until they became adults.
Those children in doubt had some protection from the cruelty, obviously homosexual children suffered. The doubt was protective because the normal children also had doubt but there was no practical test to apply. The doubtful homosexuals obtained the benefit of the doubt. Why ridicule one who may as readily ridicule me? It was a risk only the hard core trouble makers were willing to take. The rest of us could never be sure where the trouble makers were coming from so we tended not to engage in their games. We could be next.
Oprah has likely done more than one show about people pleasing. I do not know if she ever mentioned this is a survival skill learned in the cradle but she probably has. The problem is the behavior outlasts its usefulness. It becomes part of our identity or self concept when it is only required in rare circumstances. We fail to see we can fall back on it when survival requires and make it part of our everyday personality, often losing all concept of self in the process. We are unhappy and sense many others are in the same boat. This is small consolation when the goal is happiness.
One of Oprah's guests was happy in every aspect of her life except the realization of her sexual preference made her unresponsive to the man she loved. This created a sense of betrayal within her. This was a revelation. 90% perfect can leave us very unhappy. This also goes a long way in explaining the high failure rate of heterosexual marriages. One or both partners learning they married a stranger they only thought they knew. One can love a stranger all their life but is usually better off living with one they know and love.
I sometimes relish Oprah for the unintended lessons she provides. The unintended lesson of the show to which I refer is; sexual preference is important to sexual relationships. If they seem not to matter early, they will eventually. Another important lesson of this show was; a marriage between strangers does not always end in disaster. In one marriage both partners were closet homosexuals who had two children together. After the divorce, both found love with same sex partners. Their 14 year old son said he took a lot of crap at school about the new parental partners and also from the parents of friends. All implying he also had to be homosexual. He does not believe he is homosexual but we can imagine he sometimes has doubts about whether he might someday follow in his parents' footseps. He felt blessed to have four caring parents. Since grandparents so rarely perform this function these days, the boy is blessed indeed and will likely not fear his future marriage might end in disaster.
One remote guest was married for 25 years before discovering she was a lesbian, wondering if she would ever feel fulfilled since she did not want to end her marriage. Perhaps her loving husband would allow her a lesbian affair for the same reason. The marriage would be at risk, yet the possibilities for a happy ending were still good. If the marriage did not survive, both would be free to try again. A close bond among three caring adults, though not common, was also possible. Even when the marital bed leaves much to be desired, years of intimate living, can create a powerful relationship which survives the end of the commitment. If it does not, the problems went deeper than sex.
Ed Howes sought and found, knocked and entered. To see more of what he sees, please visit http://www.justanotherview.com or read more here at Webraydian. Readers grow: Wiser, better, faster.
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