| The Effects Of Divorce On Children Part 2 |
Continued from http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/blog/the-effects-of-divorce-on-children-part-1.html,
My personal view is that we must change divorce courts considerably. Presently the first step in the system is for one parent to file an “order to show cause,” a lawsuit against the other parent. This step should be made unnecessary except for rare and extreme situations. But everyone is afraid of being taken advantage of. What individuals don’t realize is they are trading goodwill with their spouse and security for their children when they file. Currently there is an illusion of protection from their adversary, who once was the love of their life.
Couples, who once were lovers, cast aside all the vows they made of loyalty and friendship. They completely forget the joy of their first romance and the joy felt at the birth of every child. They buy into fear that comes along with anger and mistrust. The children do know what is going on. They know their lives are falling apart. They know life will never be the same. They know, even if their parents don’t.
If divorce is imminent, the first step should be discussions with a professional whose sole mission is to guide the couple away from the current problems towards reconciliation, if at all possible. Many people who came to me at this stage actually had their marriage saved, because it is rarely too late. And although I had ended my practice of helping people get a divorce so I could focus on developing my Lessons For A Happy Marriage, I had established a routine that was very effective in maintaining harmony and less trauma for all involved, especially the children.
Currently the first step in traditionally accepted mediation has the couple meeting separately with the mediator (it is different in some situations, but it is always a presentation of "sides"). Then the mediator brings the couple together and expresses his or her point of view based on what they heard.
Obviously, this leaves both individuals wondering what their spouse had said. It doesn’t take a genius to realize this process causes even more distrust and suspicion; especially if there is a “loser” parent. This process effectively forces the couple into combat mode even though the session is called mediation.
A mediator in the true sense would meet with a couple and insist upon discussions with the sole aim of reconciliation, at least to some degree, for the sake of their children. By holding to a philosophy that both parents are equally good and equally bad, neither parent would have to become any more competitive than they were when they were married. But because it is a contest that decides who has more power during the rest of the children's growth years, each parent is forced to protect him or herself and undermine the other parent.
My mediation style allows both parents the opportunity to describe what they think is best for the children and why. I do not allow accusations or allegations to be voiced that are intended to discredit the other parent. I remind them both of their responsibilities to their children and the first responsibility is to preserve the sacredness of both parents for their children. It is not perfect. But it at least gives people an opportunity to put their children first. My system to help couples stay together has been incredibly successful.
Our society needs and deserves a far better system for divorce. I will continue to do my part and I hope and pray others are working on this problem as well. In the meantime don’t forget to tell your spouse, “I love you.”
Paul Friedman, author of  www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com, entered into the business of helping couples mend their marriages after a very rough personal experience with divorce. Paul came out of an early retirement to become a mediator. His belief was that couples could easily work out the details of separation and get on with their lives. He discovered the truth from his clients: they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didn't work. Read more on Paul Friedman’s blog: http://lessonsforahappymarriage.com/blog/relationship-advice-blog.html,
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